What If?
by Roadrunnerz
Summary: After the death of his baby daughter, David Hayward has nothing left to lose. Or does he? A David and Anna short story.
1. Chapter 1

_What if  
In one instant  
Everything ended?_

_And what if  
That moment  
Was shattered?  
And the ending was then  
A beginning _

**_What If?_ **

David Hayward slid the latex gloves off his hands and tossed them into the waste bin, stifling a yawn.

It was eight-thirty in the evening and the clinic should have been closed for half an hour now. But it wasn't. Closing it was his task and he simply hadn't got around to it. Janelle left a few hours ago and aside from a nurse whose name he kept forgetting there was no one else at the clinic with him.

"Remember to keep the arm elevated," he reminded the man he'd just bandaged.

"Yeah," the man grunted in reply, not bothering to turn around when he swung open the door of the exam room to leave.

"You're welcome," David mouthed. He wondered why the clinic was so quiet. He wanted to call his nurse, but then remembered that he'd forgotten her name. Was it Jen or Jane? He chided himself for forgetting.

'I should lock the door,' he thought. Locking the door would prevent any new patients from entering and after doing so; it would take him about an hour or so to finish the day's paperwork. 'If all goes well, I can be home in ninety minutes.'

_Home._

David checked the time on the wall clock and felt a familiar surge of panic. He wanted to go home. Yet at the same time he dreaded it. Anna might be there already, after all, she'd left early enough this morning. In fact, as if to mimic his work routine, it seemed she left earlier and came home later each day.

'One day soon, she won't come home at all,' he thought sadly.

He loved her. The love he felt for her was as deep and as real as he'd ever felt for anyone. Yet he couldn't bring himself to be near her these days.

They lived together like strangers. On the rare occasions when they shared a meal or a cup of coffee, they made small talk and when they did it was friendly and civil. In fact, they were achingly polite. When the timing warranted, he drove her to work, dropping her off at the police station with a tender kiss on the cheek.

Sometimes they even slept together. And when they did, it felt surprisingly good. If nothing else, their bodies could still meet the needs and desires they'd long ago stopped trying to express with words.

When it was over, they always turned away from each other. Falling asleep. Or not. Whichever it was, they did it at opposite ends of their bed.

The sex was good. Satisfying. But it wasn't the same.

Before Leora, they didn't just have sex when the need arose.

Before Leora, they made love.

'I can't remember when I last held you,' he realized, his heart heavy. Holding Anna was not an option, because most days merely looking at her took more effort than he could muster.

Because every time he looked at her, he saw Leora. And it hurt. It hurt so much, it was almost impossible to breathe.

In the beginning Anna had fought for him. She fought fiercely and relentlessly, as only Anna could. She had held him when he wept and had broken things in anger when he didn't have the energy to get up off the floor. In all their grief she never stopped to remind him that she loved him enough for both of them.

_But you shouldn't have to._

He glanced around the emptied rooms of the clinic. She had fought so hard for both of them, but now, during the rare moments when he did look into her dark, expressive eyes, he knew she'd given up. The anger and the tears were now replaced by polite smiles and meaningless small talk.

'I won't blame if you leave,' he thought, moving towards the door. 'Most women would have left already.'

He turned the lock in the door, halfway only, before re-opening it. If he locked the clinic now, he could be home in less than two hours.

He loved her so much. Yet he couldn't face her. _Couldn't hold her_.

Anna.

Leora.

Why did it still hurt so much?

The door of the clinic swung back open, ripping the thoughts from his mind and nearly knocking him off balance. Four men entered, wearing hooded sweatshirts. When he caught a glimpse of one of their faces, David figured they were in their late teens, maybe early twenties.

"Sorry. Clinic's closed," he mumbled without making eye contact. It was eerily quiet. Where the hell was that nurse?

"The door was open," one of the men pointed out making no move to leave.

"I was just about to close it," David replied calmly. One of the men held on to his side and when he took a closer look, David saw a dark stain on the black sweatshirt.

"We need a doctor, man," another one said. His eyes were glazed. He was probably high on something.

A sense of unease crept up David's spine. Drugs. Knife wounds. He had dealt with his share of both them at the clinic, but he didn't want to do it right now. Alone.

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm closed," he repeated. "I can call you a cab that'll take you to PVH's emergency room. I'll even give them a call to let them know you're coming."

"No," one of them said firmly. "No, hospital." Another man moved next to David, his expression unreadable as his eyes stared him down. David smelled a whiff of alcohol on his breath.

David clenched his teeth, noticing that the man with the stained sweatshirt was considerably paler than when he stepped into the clinic less than a minute ago. "Fine," he said, pointing to the nearest exam room. "Take him in there and take off his sweater."

Two of the men took the third one inside the room, but the one who stared him down didn't move.

"And you?" David asked.

"I'm stayin' out here," he mumbled, his right arm clutching at an object that stuck out from underneath his bulky clothes.

David nodded, his unease rising. "Jane!" he called out, hoping he had the name right. Where in the world was she? "I need your help here!"

There was no response. Only silence.

The man outside the room moved to a water fountain, paying no attention to David's call for help.

At the same time David heard the clinic door open again. 'Damn,' he thought. 'Just what I need. More punks.'

"I'm sorry, we're closed…" he started, not bothering to look up.

"I know."

The familiar voice startled him. "Anna? What are you doing here?"

She smiled, "I thought I'd stop by on the way home. You left your car at home this morning and I thought you might like a ride. We can pick up some dinner on the way."

He averted her eyes. "I don't know when I'll be done. I haven't even started closing yet and I just got another patient. It could be a while."

"I can wait around for a…"

"It might be a couple of _hours_," he said with finality. When he did manage a glance in her direction, he could see the sting his words left in her eyes.

She nodded, making an effort to keep her voice level. Indifferent. "It's okay… I'll just head home then."

He watched her attention turn away from him and towards the door of his examination room.

"What the hell's taking you so long?" one of the men yelled, as he came out of the room. His eyes narrowed in recognition, when he saw both David and Anna standing by the reception area.

"Shi...," he mumbled staring in Anna's direction, his expression furious. "It's the Chief. The doc called the cops." He ran back into the exam room, slamming the door shut behind him.

"I know him," Anna whispered, drawing her gun from its holster. Now her voice was calm. Icily calm. Her eyes darted towards the phone on the counter. "Call 911," she instructed David, raising her weapon with both hands and pointing it towards the exam room. "And after you do that, duck down behind the reception desk."

David stared at her in disbelief, "Anna, I won't…" As if he would hide and cower in fear while she faced these punks alone.

"Just do as I say, damn it!"

He was about to pick up the phone when he suddenly saw the fourth man, the one who didn't go into the exam room with the rest of them, pull up behind her. The object that made his clothes bulge earlier was now in his hands. It was a huge, black, semi-automatic gun.

Aimed at his wife.

"Anna! _Behind you!"_

She turned around with astonishing speed.

After that, all he heard was the sound of gunfire. Indescribably loud. The noise pierced through his skull and he covered his ears with his hands to drown it out.

When it was all over an eerie silence enveloped him. David moved his hands from his ears and saw both Anna and the man lying on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

_What if  
In one instant  
Everything ended?_

_And what if  
That moment  
Was shattered?  
And the ending was then  
A beginning _

_**What If?**_

David ignored the man on the floor. He didn't care that there were still three threatening men in the room when he fell on his knees next to Anna.

Her face was a mask of pain and when his eyes drifted to her stomach he saw why. A slow, steady flow of blood was sreaming from her abdomen.

"David…"

His hands trembled. "Don't talk, baby. You're going to be fine." Blood. There was a surreal amount of blood flowing over her and it paralyzed him. He was unable to move. Unable to do a single thing.

He didn't see a patient or a gunshot wound in front of him. He couldn't react as a physician. All he saw was Anna. The woman he loved and the life force that was leaving her.

One of her hands had been resting on her chest and when she moved it, the gesture released a new, warm, river of blood over her body.

'Oh God,' he struggled to pull a single breath of air into his lungs. There wasn't just one entry wound. There were two.

Her blood-covered hand reached up towards his face. "David…it's…it's okay."

He shook his head violently. "No! No, it's not okay…it's not."

Her eyes met his and he was awestruck at how beautiful they were. How full of love. For him.

_How could I have lived without looking into them for so long?_

David wept. _How?_

"I'm sorry…" Her voice was little more than a whisper.

"No, Anna. No. You're not leaving. I won't let you."

He cried the tears of a mad man as he finally started crazed, frantic attempts to stop the flow of blood from her body.

"I won't let you. I'll fight this time. I promise."

There was no reaction from her. Only silence.

"I won't let go of you. I won't!"

His efforts to stop the flow of her blood her left him drained. David raised his eyes to look for the other men. For the missing nurse. But there was no one there. He was alone with Anna.

After a while, he no longer felt a pulse and started CPR.

His tears fell down and mixed with her blood.

"No…Anna. No."

Everything. It was all too late.

"Anna!"

_No!_

He felt someone shaking him. Or maybe _he_ was shaking?

"David…"

His eyes fluttered open. Bewildered. Puzzled.

"Hey…it's just dream."

"Anna?" She was here, sitting down next to him. She wore a black blouse and slacks with a stylish, matching black leather belt that emphasized her slender waist.

He moved a flat, trembling palm onto her stomach, searching for the wounds. "You're alive? You're okay?"

Her lips hinted at a smile. "Your left-over pasta may be nothing to write home about but it wasn't enough to kill me."

David's breath came in heavy, labored gasps and his eyes darted around the room.

He wasn't at the clinic but at the cabin. He was in the living room, lying on the couch, in his hill-top cabin.

Slowly his mind drifted back to last night. He'd been working late at the clinic and when he came home Anna was already asleep. He'd decided to sleep on the couch so he wouldn't wake her. Or at least that was the reason he gave himself last night.

"Are you running marathons in your dreams?"

He was still breathless. "I dreamt that…that you were shot. At the clinic."

Anna's smile faded. "It was just a dream, David. It's okay."

"You said that in my dream too. You told me 'it's okay.'"

Anna's hand reached over and ran through his hair. "It is."

"No," he pulled himself into a sitting position. The palm of his hand still rested on her chest and he felt her heart beat underneath it, its steady throb humbling him. "What if I lost you?"

This time it was Anna who averted his eyes. He expected her to say. 'You won't.' God knows she'd said it often enough in the last few months.

"You would be fine. You'd find a way," was what she now said instead.

David shook his head. "No. I wouldn't."

She bent down to kiss his forehead. "It was just a dream, David." She sighed, "Maybe if you slept on your bed instead of the couch and didn't work eighteen hour days you wouldn't have dreams like that."

"Anna…"

"I should get to work."

David grabbed on to her wrist. "Don't go."

She glanced at her silver, men's watch. "I'm late already." Anna didn't have to spell it out. The truth was so obvious now, in her voice. The knowledge that he'd chosen to ignore all this time.

Anna didn't have it in her to fight for them anymore.

He had defeated her and she would leave him. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but she _would_ leave him, sooner rather than later.

Suddenly, the thought terrified him.

"Anna, please don't go." David stood up and grabbed on to her other arm. Since waking from his dream, he couldn't get enough of looking at her. The way her eyes darkened when she inadvertently revealed something she tried to hide. The way her long, thick hair fell over her blouse and how her watch slipped down onto her hand, underneath her French cuffs, because it was too large for her wrist. Tiny little details that, combined, made up the woman he loved. Like a sponge he now soaked in those very details he'd purposely chosen to ignore for so long.

"David…I'm sorry your dream bothered you. But that's all it was. A nightmare. Nothing more."

"No, that's not all it was."

Anna brushed off his hands, "I'll see you tonight, David."

He grabbed her again. "Don't go…there's something I want to say to you."

She tightened her lips. Defensive now. "Look...you're upset because you had a bad dream. It doesn't change anything." There was bitterness in her voice too. Bitterness he wasn't accustomed to. "By tonight you'll have forgotten your dream." There was a trace of anger in her eyes too and it gave him a strange sense of hope. Anger meant she still felt something. "And that's why I'm going to leave now. Before you say something that you'll want to take back in a few hours."

"Anna, these last few months, every time I looked at you, I saw her. I saw our little girl."

Anna bit her lip.

"Each time that I looked into your eyes, I saw Leora. I saw the love that created her and every time I touched you, I lost her again."

A lone tear fell down Anna's cheek and David gently wiped it away. "It's why I couldn't…all these months. It hurt too much."

"And now?"

"Now I look at you, and I see how blind I've been."

"David, if you can't bring yourself to…"

He wouldn't let her finish. "Now, I look at you and I see the most precious thing in my life. I see the love and the strength that gave us our daughter."

She didn't say anything. Silence.

"I love you, Anna."

She slumped down next to him. Tired. "I love you too," she whispered. "But I don't know… I don't know if I can do this again."

He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her, marveling at the intensity of his need to touch her. "I hurt you and I'm so sorry for that."

"We both hurt each other."

"I want to love you again. To show you."

He ran his hand along her cheek, along wetness of her tears and he tilted his head to kiss them, tasting the salty liquid on his lips. Then he moved lower, kissing the nape of her neck as he soaked in the subtle, exotic scent of her perfume, wondering if it was possible for the fragrance to take on a life of its own when it combined with her hair brushing against his face.

His senses were overloading, hopelessly swamped, as they came back to life. He had shut them down for months and now they yearned for every sensation, magnifying and intensifying them all.

He allowed his senses to lead him as his hands began to unbutton her blouse, in awe at the delicate contrast between the metallic coolness of the buttons and the soft warmth of the skin underneath.

She dropped to her knees, on the wooden floor of the cabin and he did the same, moving his hands onto her hips, his lips gently trailing the skin revealed with each button undone.

His mind drifted back to the dream, to the blood that flowed out of her body, seeping away its life. His kiss lingered on that same spot where in his dream he'd seen the bullet enter and he closed his eyes in gratitude for the rise and fall of her breath. For the steady pounding of her heartbeat in his ears.

"I missed you, David," she said softly.

She made no move to return his gestures. To undress him. Yet she didn't resist.

And when he looked into her eyes, he now caught the doubt and the fear that she'd hidden so well. He saw the hurt and the angger that couldn't be erased with one dream. With one kiss.

"I love you."

He would say it until she believed it. He would show her until he doubt and the fear was gone and they could finally begin again.

He enveloped her in his arms.

It was his turn to fight.

**The end**


End file.
